...Until the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!

For some reason, a few days ago, I woke up with a sore calf muscle. Not sore enough to warrant a full on limp, just enough to be annoying and to look like I'm drunk while I stagger around with less than sure footing. It got me thinking, these are the injuries that plague our society.

Case 1: My calf - If you have these kind of injuries you lose a lot of your time keeping ability as the time taken to walk from one place to another is greatly increased. Thus resulting in a lower social standing and ridicule. You could play the sympathy vote and put your leg in a leg brace but then you'll just have a bunch of kids chase you with their bikes, throwing rocks at you, and as you run the braces miraculously come off and you find you're incredibly fast and later in life get a football scholarship even though you don't really know anything about the game.

Case 2: Stubbed Toe - Let's say you're milling around with your "mates" and you suddenly, unexpectedly, brutally stubbed your toes on the curb. This will cause you to jump around like some kind of spastic leaving you friendless and depressed. On the other hand, your friends may be incredibly impressed at your knowledge of a dance from one of the more obscure eastern European countries. This will leave you ridiculed, friendless and depressed.

Case 3: Ingrown toenail - Ah, the lazy mans injury. Don't cut your toenails for however long, go to hospital, and get time off work... sounds like a pretty sweet deal actually, just don't show your toes to anyone as children will run screaming, dames will faint at the hideous sight and the sight of your toe by an expecting woman WILL cause deformity in the fetus, and mild retardation in the expecting mother.

These kind of injuries are, to say the least, annoying, and generally leave you with people, mainly your "friends" calling you a pussy or Belgian. So please, think of the unborn fetuses and just stay indoors when you are afflicted with anything resembling the cases we have studied today. You'll feel better as you can go on deceiving yourself, and continue to think you have "friends".

On the note of the title, I hoped that turning the subtitles on would clue me in on what Garth was actually saying while the plane was flying over, but no. Nothing.

"Wake up Jeff" the Re-write

I was recently thinking about that song "Wake up Jeff" and, seriously, the Wiggles make so much damn noise to try and get Jeff to wake up, and they say they need him for the show. I think the thrill of life on the road got to him and he's not asleep at all, but passed out from a major methamphetamine overdose and that's why he's not getting up. Let's look at the second verse in detail.

Dorothy the dinosaur is munching on some roses
Wags the Dog is digging up bones
Henry the Octopus is dancing round in circles
Wake up Jeff; we need you for the show

First off, they even have their pet dinosaur so smacked up on drugs it feels it necessary to eat the sex organs of plants, I guess she thinks the thorns are special pleasure places that actually give you pleasure but trick you into thinking they're painful. In my opinion she's on a really bad trip.

Henry the octopus has taken a little too much speed, I think, and for some reason needs to be running around and around and around and, well, you get the idea. At least he won't need a stomach pump because he'll throw up first.

Wags the dog seems to be the straight shooter doing regular dog things, playing with bones, either that or he had too much acid and murdered a poor passer by when he thought it was a giant apple come to destroy his soul. Well, wags, shame on you.

And Jeff is still passed out due to his complete lack of control. And the rest of the wiggles claim they need him for the show, They seem to be doing a pretty good job without him, singing a song about waking him up, They should retitle it. "Fuck off Jeff" And kick him out of the band. I've even gone to the trouble of rewriting the lyrics for them, I'll show you the original first.

Wake up Jeff, written and performed by The Wiggles

CHORUS
Wake up, Jeff, everybody's wiggling
Wake up, Jeff, we really need you
Wake up, Jeff, you're missing all the fun now
Wake up, Jeff, before the days through

What's that sound?, I can hear somebody snoring
What's that sound?, its not Murray or Greg
Anthony's awake, so lets have another guess now
Oh my goodness, it must be Jeff

CHORUS

Dorothy the dinosaur is munching on some roses
Wags the Dog is digging up bones
Henry the Octopus is dancing round in circles
Wake up Jeff; we need you for the show

And the new way

Fuck off Jeff, written By Jimmy G and performed by The Wiggles minus Jeff

CHORUS
Fuck off Jeff, your just a junkie
Fuck off Jeff, No one needs you
Fuck off Jeff, you've had too much fun now
Fuck off Jeff, before you die and we need to write a song about how you overdosed and even the heart paddle thingy couldn't bring you back to life!

What's that sound? I can hear somebody snorting.
What's the sound? We're all dry today.
Who stole our drugs, let's take a guess now.
Oh fuck, Jeff's passed out in his own vomit again.

CHORUS

Dorothy's high and fucking some roses
Wags the dog is hiding the evidence
Henry the octopus is hopped up on pep pills.
Fuck off, Jeff. We really fucking hate you.

I've even come up with a new film clip, It entails them (The Wiggles) trying to get Jeff into rehab but it doesn't work and Jeff escapes and goes on a huge drug binge and O.D's, and at this point the rest of the crew really have had enough, and, while on the next tour, throw Jeff out of the moving tour bus, off a cliff, into some pointy rocks, that somehow catch fire!

That's got fucking music awards written all over it!

But, seriously, I really hope Jeff gets clean.

YOU CAN DO IT JEFF!

An unusual short film

Being the man that I am, I was sitting bored at home the other day and somehow happened across quite an unusual short film. In this day of Political Correctness gone mad I suppose I should use the term "n-word" so as not to offend anybody. You'll understand when I tell you the title.

And here that title is; "Gay n-word's from outer space".

This short film can be watched on youTube or you can read about it at imdb. I'm not sure how a film like this got made, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The general story of this film is a group of, well, gay black people from outer space stumble across our planet of earth and are shocked to find we have "Female creatures" and thus they begin the eradication of all females on earth to make ours a gay planet like theirs.

The thing I'm not quite sure about is, in every situation where they're killing innocent women, the men always seem happy for this to be happening. I have nothing against gay people but I'm very interested in females as they are the main source of me getting turned on. So, I would think a few people would've at least have tried to stop them. Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it.

I'm not too sure how a film like this gets made, but it was made in 1992. I'm just trying to picture peoples faces, be they actors or financiers when the film maker pitched the idea to them. I'm more intrigued to know the look on the people faces who thought it was an excellent idea.

That said, I did enjoy the film as some of the jokes were quite lowbrow and I'm a fan of lowbrow humour, I'm also a fan of highbrow humour but if it's found in this film it escapes me and I don't get it. At the end of the film I couldn't help wondering what I was doing with my life and if I was going in the right direction with it. I don't know why this film had that affect on me, it just did. It's so unusual and I encourage anyone to watch it.

For any of you too lazy to click a link here is part one from youtube:



Jimmy G