The most absurd thing I've seen in a while

Everyone knows Dr. Cox from scrubs, he's played by John C. McGinley and he pops up every-freaking-where. Seriously, he's in everything. But late this friday night after work I have happened accross this movie entitled HIGHWAY, and it has the most absurd thing I've seen in a while in it,

John C. McGinley in dreadlocks!
(click photo for more picks; courtesy johncmcginley.com)

Flying babies and painful arrows..

Let me ask you this? Can babies fly? And if your answer is yes.. can they shoot arrows? If yes again, you must be talking about Cupid.. Cause Cupid's description reads something like this.. Cute baby, flies around and targets two people in love and then pierces them with a heart arrow..
Correct?

Fuck no! That baby bastard fucks you up! Who gave a fucking baby an arrow anyway?
That little prick flies around then fucking shoots you in the heart.. That would make me love for sure.. Love to fucking stomp him in the face.. Then snap that baby bow in arrow in half..

If that douche bag is real he must be shooting me in the back with dud arrows.. Do you think Cupid has a variety of arrows?
- Attention all skanks.. Fuck this dude over..
Or..
- Hopefully this arrow in the heart kills you..
That sneaky mother fucker probably has tonnes of different ones..

But does he have one that actually makes you fall in love? How does it work? Does it have to be that fucken long that it pierces your heart and the heart of person your with? Then what happens when you walk away from each other and the arrows comes out? I guess thats when affairs and cheating occurs..

I guess baby bitch didnt think of that shit..So all Cupid needs to do now is to create an arrow that binds two hearts together no matter how far apart they are.. So i guess it needs to be flexible.. incredibley stretchy ohh and also has to be able to pass through all states of matter.. Looks like that butch baby has a fuck load of work to do..Good luck mother fucker.. Shoot me with it if it with your done cheif..

Love Always.. Scene Kid.. xxx

Attention all haters.. Optimus Prime would fuck you up..

Operation STD ............. or is it STI?

Okay so this just in, I have stumbled upon a devious scheme that is perhaps the core of all the weird shit that seems to pop up.

Today while conversing with a close companion on the journey of the soul I was confronted by the question of what happens to the sex lives of people that have incurable "Sexually Transmitted Infections/Sexually Transmitted Disease" 's? (which from here on out, will be called Dtsits)

I mean seriously, who would touch these people after they have told you that they have a Dtsits, "Hi lets have sex, i have AIDS though.", I mean common who is going to go "Yeah lets get busy!"

I have since found what happens to these people, there is a secretive organization that allows these people to meet and engage in all those exciting social interactions that are otherwise denied to them because of their condition. The only problem with this is the knowledge that the diseases and infections that they are inflicted with get completely mixed together and they mutate! Perhaps the most horrific thing is that these people do this purposefully so that all people will know the pain and persecution that they suffer within society.

so moral of the story, ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!

Until next time

ShAdOwS

Little Miss Muffet

There is a nursery rhyme that springs to mind sometime, although not often, but often enough for me to wonder, then what happened?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the rhyme here is the orginal lyrics and/or words:

Little miss muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along cam a spider
And sat down beside her
And frightened miss muffet away.

So... then what happened? Did miss muffet come back for her curds, and possibly her whey?

Was she frightened because the spider was big or poisonous, and if it was the latter, where did she go to learn how to identify certain arachnids? Assuming this particuar spider was rare, it would've had to be quite an in depth course. And what was she thinking taking this course? There is no indication as to the occupation of miss muffet and a spider course would leave you with quite a limited career path, I imagine.

Did she come back for the curds? Surely the spider would leave eventually and miss muffet could at least go back to get her cutlery. Is the spider going to eat her food because I would find that quite unlikely. She could've brought bug spray back and destroyed the hideous creature.

I suppose miss muffet may have been allergic and therefore her fright is justified.... Wait a minute, I've neglected something in my ramblings. No where in the rhyme does it say miss muffet left her curds and whey there, and no where does it say she took them with her. I think I've stumbled upon "Schrodiner's curds and whey", where by the curds and whey exist in a state of taken in and not taken in simultaneously until someone goes and asks miss muffet what she did. Intersting, or is it.

How does a spider sit down anyway?

Beef Lasagna: The Review

This, the first in the series, review is of the Generic HomeBrand Microwavable Beef Lasagna I had for dinner tonight. The reviews will go like this: I'll review five categories and get an overall score from that using a sophisticated scoring technique, each category will be out of ten.

1 Packaging:
Being a generic brand, it is expected that this comes in very lackluster packaging but how does it compare to other generics? First off I like the use of the colour red for the words homebrand, reminds me of a homicidal maniac trying to spell the name of his latest victim using only an axe, their blood, and his phallus. Compared to other generic brands (savings, black & gold, no name, etc.) this is a very bold effort. This bolsteres the score greatly but unfortunatly this particular product comes in a cardboard box, without plastic covering the delectable crap food inside.
4/10

2. Ease of cooking:
Usually when you get a frozen meal the instuctions say something along the lines of, micrwave for 5-6 minutes. Not Home Brand beef lasgna, they specify thet you must "cook on high for 7 minutes then on medium for 6 minutes, let stand for 2 minutes." If I wanted to spend time thinking and changing temperaturs and pressing more buttons than necessary I'd've bought some food to cook. I wanted simple, easy, one step crap. I will be writing a letter of complaint to Home Brand that reads.
Home Brand
Re: Beef Lasagna
Takes too FUCKING long
With love,
Some Arsehole.
1/10

3. The act of eating:
The packaging does state that you should let it sit for two minutes. I let mine sit for ... at least five minutes and it still kinda burned my (tounge, tugne, tognue)... mouth. If the fires of hell are half as bad I'm going to be the best damn guy I can be. Cause I don't want Satan to start poking my head with bad beef lasagna. Oh, did I mention how little it tastes like beef? I didn't? It doesn't taste very much like beef.
1/10

4. Cleaning up.
Easy, Pick plastic up - Move to bin - Drop plastic into bin - wash fork. Okay so it would've been a little easier had I had a plastic fork, But meh. Loses one point for me not having a plastic fork.
9/10

5. Can't think of another category
The beef lasagna scored quite well on this, because I couldn't acctually think of a another category.
7/10

Overall: A good meal if you have permenantly lost your sense of taste, a fucking awesome meal if you've also lost you sense of smell. Otherwise, all I have to say is... Meh.
53/10476

GOOD GRAVY: I want to use this term in every review I do. Yes I know that the next review will most probably not be about food, but I'll use it anyway.

Have an awesome weekend.

System Slow Conspiracy!!!!!!

Alright this week my blog is brought to mind because of Scene kids' words of wisdom on old fuckers driving slowly. As we all know old people cant move especially fast because the joints seize up, you back feels like it weighs approximately 30 tonnes and you cant see shit cause your eyeballs haven't changed since their mum and dad had it off in the back of the chariot in the Colosseum.

This of course is complete crap fed to you by the government and assorted scientists who are paid by the government, to hide the real truth. Which is, that when people get old they have all these assorted 'check ups', these are cleverly designed procedures at which time the government inserts a nano-proxium into your body which gradually changes your DNA so that it degenerates you into one of these slow muther-freaking dickwads that slow traffic to a near halt, fill our supermarket aisles and completely halt all buying at the cash registers with their assorted fumbling in their tiny changes purses.

"Thats total bullshit!" ,i hear you say, "Why the fuck would the Government do that? its completely counter productive!". Well actually what is the one thing you do when you get stuck behind some ancient whispy haired mother fucker in traffic? You instantly want to go a whole lot faster, when stuck behind some grandma with her trolley blocking the aisle at your local woolies you instantly want to go past her and get your stuff as fast as you can.

The government wants to maximise your effeciency while your still young, when you get older though you realise that it's all a buch of shit and that it doesn't matter how fast you do something fast or if you take your sweet ass time about it, so you sort of give up on the whole idea. The government wishes to discourage this, hence the secretive implant. And of course they also want you to put more money into the economy, and we all know that the longer your car stays on the more petrol it uses. I mean the government made a car that would run on water years back, but if we all ran our cars on water then we'd have to drink beer all the time and of course that would lead to us letting go of the systems complete oppression and leads us to FREEDOM!


So moral of the story, next time you get stuck behind some retard doing 10 in a 80 zone remember that they are just under the influence of the system and it would be in their best interests to be let free of this complete slavery......

til next time,

ShAdOwS

Dickhead Drivers..

Imagine yourself waking up and looking at the alarm clock that you slept right through and realising you have to be somewhere in half an hour, when you know it takes at least half an hour to get where you need to go.. You calm yourself down and figure if you leave this instant you'll just make it or be that tiny bit late!

You dive in the car and start the mean machine up.. You screech out of the garage and your away! Only to find some mother fucker doing 30 in a 50 zone.. This happens to fucking often.. Some old mother fucker who looks like he could be as old as Captain Cook's uncle is still allowed to drive a car.. People cry about P platers (Which some of them are wankers) but this prehistoric creature can't see for shit and has a reaction time of a sloth that just had a full body stroke..
As you look for ways to over take you realise that the road splits into two lanes just up ahead.. Sweet! A feeling of relief arises as the second lane becomes closer and closer..

It's here! but just as you blinker this old douche bag blinkers right and moves into the second lane.. What the fuck! So you go to move back into the first lane to find a big fuck off truck crawling along while the driver is either getting a blow job from his pal Mick or is talking dirty to his "girlfriend" Ted over the 2 way radio..

You swerve back behind Old-asaurus to find out that he has decided to catch up to the truck and do the same speed as it.. You try to find a way through but you hang your head in hopelessness as you know your going to arrive late! This is just one of many scenarious of fucking disgusting drivers on the road.. How fucking bad do you have to be.. If your fucking slower than hair growing on a bald man's head, stay in the fucking left hand lane..

But wait there's more.. When the glorious day comes that Scene Kid rules this world that consists of bad drivers and smokers he will take his revenge.. if your in the right hand lane for no reason.. I will shoot your dunlop tyres out and watch you slide around the road while creating a magnificent show of fireworks.. When you finally spin out and fling off the road I'll either elbow you in the face and inform you not to drive again or ill rip your steering wheel off and boomerang it into your throat.. Oh and then inform you that your not to drive again.. If you do get behind the wheel again after our first encounter, the next few seconds will become a blur and you'll be wondering why you have woken up in a hospital with a gear stick wedge so far up your anus you have to change gears by reaching down your throat..

Scene's summary on bad drivers would have to be..

Morons!

Love Always.. Scene Kid.. xxx

Alien Rumble

With Shadows bringing up aliens earlier I thought I'd give my own two cents on the matter, by giving you the write up for a royal rumble of aliens, to the death, winner takes all, um... and the others die in arse.

Firstly, our competitors;

Alien, E.T., Predator, SuperMan and Optimus Prime.

Lets see how the competition stacks up

Alien: Bleeds Acid, Has a big bitey mouth that can't actually bite you because of the smaller non-bitey but jabby mouth inside bitey mouth. Can climb on walls. Looks like we have a bit of a tough competition starting to shape up, with competitors like these who knows who'll win. The Alien is a badass who kills cause he can.

E.T.: scrawny arms, tiny legs, kinda fat, can make his finger glow. After the last entry this is just retarded, E.T. doesn't even look like he's done any training for this match, lets hope that glowing finger comes in handy. I hope he uses his catch cry, which isn't "E.T. phone home" as you've been led to believe, but in fact is, "eeny , meeny, miney, moe. I wonder where my glowing finger will go!"

Predator: Phew, back to form, The Predator has been working out and it shows, lean mean and with tonnes o' cool weapons to kill the others with, shame he's fucking ugly as, seriously, how does that species procreate looking like that, I know some guys into some pretty freaky shit but this is ridiculous. At least we have a contender for the Alien.

SuperMan: Gay

Optimus Prime: A robot from space who barely fits in the arena. I hope he has acid proof armor for his sake. The coolest thing about optimus is he can mangle you by running you over then morph and point and laugh at you. How would that make you feel, being laughed at by the very automobile that ran you over. You'd feel like crying to mummy, wouldn't you, and then you'd probably die in hospital of the injuries only to be brought back to life by a vampire and then you decide to seek your revenge but then realise you can't because Optimus is a robot and can't have his blood sucked out. so there.

And now to the battle.

GO!

Oh god, Alien has jump right on top of Optimus and is furiously salivating on him. Is the Alien attracted to the robot or does he bare malice for him? I don't know but his strategy is working, Optimus is down looking like a bad Picaso painting, with a turd next to it.

The alien has Jumped for the predator and now they're grappling with each other. And here comes superman, who suddenly collapses dead from being way too gay. Alien strikes predator and predator fires a... thing that completely incinerates the Alien. Holy shit, if only you could see it.

The predator turns toward E.T. who is backing away shaking his glowing finger at the predator, he looks like he hopes something will shoot out of it, not unlike the shit shooting out of another part of his body. But what's this, the predator is stumbling, he's losing a lot of blood from the aliens attack, he falls, his vitals are failing, it looks like... yes, he's dead. I don't believe it, the winner is- huh? E.T. has just exploded for some reason. Looks like we have no winner.

They are among US.....

Okay, imagine, if you will, a forest.

Millions of trees stretching for leagues upon miles upon kilometres. Now, pick one tree at random in the forest of your mind. Again choose a leaf on that tree, at random, in the mind forest. Now segment that leaf into a million pieces, and choose a piece. Now cut that piece in half.

You now hold in your mind hand a piece of leaf that we will use to represent a hundred galaxies, of which one will be our own.

Okay, now if by chance, you're the moron who thinks there is no such thing as intelligent life beyond this planet; look at the smidgen of leaf that you hold in your figurative hand, and then look at the rest of the leaf, then the tree, then the forest, and then punch your self squarely in the genitalia, because if you still think there's no one else out there, you're a F&$king Retard! And you should never be allowed to mate for the simple fact that your existence is an affront against the universe.

The fact that these intelligent beings have come to earth before is equally as undeniable. For as long as they have been known the pyramids have been thought to be beacons for extra-terrestrial life (ETL). They are completely in line with the stars that constitute Orion's Belt, and even more disturbing is the fact that the Incas and Mayans, who were thousands of un-travelable leagues away, built pyramids as well, that are very similar, obviously not exactly the same but I'm sure my house isn't built exactly like yours either even though there both big weather proof boxes with roofs.

Now we come to the crux of the matter, do aliens still live among us? Has the civilisatioin, that travelled the depths of space to our planet and shared their knowldge of stone masonary, irrigation and crop rotation with our ancient civilisations, come back and using their intelligence constructed a way to go among us looking exactly like anyother human being?

Let me leave you with these small things to help you with your conclusion:
- They can achieve inter-galatic space travel (although we're way behind I still think that we would have noticed them by now if they're in our solar system)
- They've had thousands of years to perfect there 'disguises'
- They taught us how to build some of the greatest and most lasting buildings of our races history, which even through those thousands of years have lasted the test of time


Do you still think we're alone?

Scene's Symposium

There are many things in this twisted world that, how do I say it, piss me off.. When the glorious day comes, that I "Scene Kid", will be able to do whatever I wish in this world, will be an extremely eventful day.. Today we will look at one event that I guarantee will take place..

For a particular reason certain people that I come across will either have all limbs ripped off, or if I'm feeling generous, a concussion that would keep King Kong knocked out for a month.. Does anyone know why this would happen?

Smoking..

It has to be the dumbest thing anyone can do.. If you smoke and your reading this your a fucking moron.. You know why you're a moron? Because every smart mother fucker out there has told you, you are dying! But that doesn't phase you! According to stats acquired from the logic of my brain, only fucking douche bags continue to smoke after knowing the consequences that inevitably occur..

Lets look at some scenarios that I "Scene kid" have had the pleasure of being able to laugh at (while my alter ego wishes to end the people in these scenarios)..

1) Some poor bastard walked up to the counter to buy cigarettes.. Yours truly, handed him a pack in total disgust.. He then refused this pack as it had a picture of someone who had throat cancer.. He then asked for another packet as this imagery was too much for this man to handle.. Now.. Lets think about this for a second.. I nearly jumped over the counter and gave him a "Scene Specialty" - Which to put it bluntly ends up in whoever is copping the beat down, whining and screaming for the mummy while they wish they were dead..

2) One simple phrase by another idiot..
"I'm dying for a cigarette"
If only i was allowed to admit the dying, it would of been done in a flash because obviously the person who stated that commented is to stupid to survive in this world..

I fear that if i continue, I will turn into a ball of rage and throw my laptop out the window just to vent the anger of the stupidity of the people that in habit this earth..

Scene's official word for people who smoke would have to be..

Morons!

Love Always.. Scene Kid.. xxx

What not to do in business...

Using real world examples.

There are several business ventures out there these days that die very rapidly upon their inception. Today we'll go through some real world examples of such business that are, while not entirely dead, definately on their way. This should help you budding philanthropists make better decisions than these

1 - Sally selling sea shell by the sea shore.

What has Sally done wrong you ask. She has created a business model around selling sea shells, while not bad in and of itself, sea shells can be quite pretty and make an inexpensive gift. Sally's problem is the selling of said sea shells at the very location she obtains them, the sea shore. What the freaking heck was she smoking when she made this decision. What's stopping her prospective clientelle from picking up the damn sea shells from the many being washed up on the shore. Sally, you're an idiot, promise the world you won't have babies because I fear for their safety and don't hold much hope for them getting through childhood.

2 - Santa.

After many, many years of his operation it has to be close to failing. There are so many holes in his operation I could drive Belgium through it. Firstly, he employs several staff to make toys for children and then doesn't charge for them. Not only that but the elves are making exact replicas of toy products already avaliable in the stores, how Santa has avoided a lawsuit is beyond me. Secondly, he has his operational centre as far from his clientelle as possible, at the north pole. With the rising prices of fuel Santa should be thinking about relocating, as I inagine the rise in fuel cost has resulted in a rise in feed for magical reindeer. The thing about fuel prices leads me conveniently to... Thirdly, Santa is known for not only giving away toys to good children but also delivering lumps of coal to bad children! With the current economic trend I argue that these "bad" children are actually better of because they are getting coal. Fossil fuels are drying up at an alarming rate (or so say the media) therefore this coal will become extremly valuable in the near future, so is santa really punishing these kids. I predict he will be bankrupt by the end of the financial year, then what will the reindeer do?

If you stear clear of these rookie mistakes from well established ventures then your business will flourish, like... um.. some. kind of... fourishing. thing!

OOOOOO MMMMMMMM FFFFFFFF GGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's a place to talk on the internet and be heard by the masses......

I shall be your semi-annual-weekly-month-going-blue-moon custodian of conspiracy plots and proven theories about anything that is highly suspicious and/or crazy enough to warrant attention.


I shall be back to you soon with the first of a long line of off-handed crazy talk about the weird wacky paranormal incestuous demonic satanic cult-based shadow-loving-tree-hugging-hippy-smoking aliens.....


Dont go in dark alleys.......