Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Diary of a taken Beauty Queen..

First thing I did today was roll over to see the ten messages I had recieved on my phone from my ten best friends.. These messages were filled with comments about how I'm so pretty and how they wish they were just like me..
This was probably due to the fact that last night i won Queen of the school at our end of your formal.. I had the best time and everyone looked amazing.. Even though it was a great night, I just couldn't wait to see my boyfriend Rick.. He was the most thoughtful guy on the planet..
As I stirred from my day dreaming i realised Rick wasn't in bed next to me..
It didn't take me long to realise where he was due to the fact that I could hear him in the next room chatting to his best mate "Stumpy". This conversation consisted of how he rocked my world in the sack last night by managing to fit his whole half a millimetre penis into me and lasting more than 4 seconds! "A personal best!", I hear him shout in excitment!
He is so cute.. I'm so lucky.. =)
I force myself to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast.. I realise we have no food so I tell Rick to get in my car cause we are going to maccas! Only like another 6 months and Rick will be able to go for his licence.. He is silly, he is 22 now and still doesnt have a licence.. Lucky I'm here to drive him around everywhere so he doesn't really need a licence.. =)
But im sure he will one day he will manage to get his licence.. thats why i have started saving up.. Because Ricky doesn't have a job and doesn't earn any money I have decided to buy him a car for his birthday.. =)
He normally only buys me some gum from the two dollar shop for my birthday but he said he is going all out this year! Omg i cant wait.. he might even get some gum from a super marktet.. So excited.. =)
As I paid for the meal at maccas Rick said ever so sweetly "Don't worry dear you go sit down and ill bring it over to you"
With a cute smile i go find a nice quiet table for us to sit at.. Five minutes later Rick comes over with the muffin and hot coffee i ordered.. I take a sip of my coffee to find my lips are pressed around a massive shit! Rick had just baked a fresh one, straight off the conveyer belt into my coffee.. Ohh i love that joke.. He does it to me all the time and it never gets old.. =)
"I have to go leak the water dragon.. sit tight cheese tits ill be back in a second.." - Yells Rick across Maccas.." As i sit and wait for my knight in sharming armour i wonder to myself..

Are all beautiful girls as lucky as me?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Basically that statement says that it matters not that you eat amounts of junk food that would make Everest seem like a small molehill in comparison, it is of no consequence that your family has a history of multiple sclerosis, and there is absolutely no reason that you should not survive a bullet wound to the head. Provided you are in bed no later than seven-thirty and rise from slumber as the morning sun hits the horizon. Also, during this time when you are asleep you somehow are able to generate large amounts of money without any conscious effort. And lastly there is no education necessary as you are able to absorb information from the air around you, making you somewhat of a genius. So if we all adopt this saying and adhere to it everyday of our lives, we will live longer as we are healthier.

The government can stop spending money on education, as there will be no need for it. And science will constantly make quantum leaps forward as we absorb the hidden knowledge of the universe as we sleep.

This leads me to conclude that within our bodies is an, as yet unknown, system (such as the nervous system or digestive system) that can do these things, but to work it needs a few things in return.

Firstly, it requires us to sleep so our bodies can be best used for the healing, money making and intelligence gathering. If we are asleep then the body can divert resources, from things we do while we are awake, to this peculiar system. For example: Our eyes begin to feel heavy when we're tired. The eyes work by first capturing the image we see, which, because of the curvature of the pupil, are captured upside down. The image is then relayed to the area of the brain responsible for sight, this happens to be as far from the eyes as possible, at the back of the brain. Once acquired the brain must first flip the images, one for each eye, and then combine two two dimensional images into one coherent three dimension image. This is done enough times a second to deliver fluent motion. The amount of work done is tremendous, considering that we don't have computers yet that can create a three dimensional image from two two dimensional images. While sleeping this work is not done and the energy it uses can be diverted to our system.

Secondly, it needs to charge and can only do so while we are asleep. This is the early to bed part. Going to sleep at some early hour while the sun is still setting will allow the suns rays to penetrate our bodies and charge this system to make it ready for use. This is some form of photosynthesis, plants use the suns rays to synthesize basic sugars from the soil. While giving us a boost in vitamin D production we must use the sun to change any unused food products in our digestive system into the, as yet unknown, energy this system uses. Therefore eating before bed will also help the system work.

Thirdly, it requires some apparatus for excretion of the useless information we have accumulated during the day, this is to free up room in our memory and to further free resources. This process is called dreaming. During R.E.M. (Rapid Eye Movement.) sleep. We have many dreams which generally last about fifteen seconds. As these are played we forget them for they are just pieces of useless information that takes up room in our brains that would be better served to the system. Depending on the amount of sleep we get we may go through many periods of R.E.M. sleep and while we are excreting useless information our eyes are also working. This is why we remember some dreams. The resources our body has freed by sleeping, the resources usually used by our eyes, are being pulled back into their regular duties.

Fourth, We must wake up before the entire sun can be seen. If too many of the suns rays hit us or the intensity of heat from the sun is too much and it will stimulate our bodies and also this system and cause it to over load, thus losing all health benefits, intelligence attained and monetary accumulation we have gained during the night. Heat can cause us to sweat and sweating is our bodies way of cooling us down, a natural air conditioning system. This not only takes away what most of our bodies are made of, water, it also exerts more energy, trying to keep us asleep. We feel tired at night mostly because our bodies respond to the drop in temperature as a sign we need to recharge, our movement gets sluggish and our eyes feel heavy. This is also why it is much harder to sleep on a warm night. The longer we sleep in this aggravated state the more our losses will be. If the sun hits us but no heat is produced then the energy for this system begins production again. This energy is then used as it is produced and we will simply do too much and the system will over load and collapse in on it self. You will even lose the dreams you had as they are already forgotten. This is the most important part. It also explains why oversleep is just as bad as under sleep. The system can work to some degree if you're getting out of bed early. This is why you usually feel refreshed during the day, because you are healthier for a brief period of time.

I have dubbed this system the Grantham system, in honor of its discoverer. If you follow the rules this system sets you, you can look forward to waking up smarter, healthier and on many banknotes of cash. But be careful as it is a delicate system and every rule must be adhered to precisely or all gain will be lost.

It's close to Christmas so I'll spread some Christmas cheer

During one of my regular bouts of temporary insanity I came across an epiphany, he was wearing green and carrying a set of bagpipes. He never played the bagpipes and when I asked him to play "My Sharona" he blinded me with a laser pen and yelled that she wasn't mine and if he ever caught me with her, I would wish I could see just so I could see what he was doing to me. But, I digress.

My epiphany then informed me that Santa Clause doesn't actually exist on Earth but is a powerful supernatural force operating out of an alternate dimension. After he explained it, it all seemed so obvious. A magic bag, A magic sleigh, magic elves. Who, incidentally, aren't actually magical but more slightly brain damaged. These poor creatures are forced to toil day in day out for the whole year to copy toys that are manufactured elsewhere, most of the time these toys haven't been designed yet, hence the brain damage. You see, they don't understand that the stuff they do can't be done, so they can do it. You with me.

Later, as my epiphany was winding up his long and boring speech about the way the Mexican frog population affects the mating habits of mime's, He pushed upon me a task. "Save these poor brain damaged souls, let them live their simple lives how they see fit." He laid down a fool proof plane to break them out of Santas stone prison. It was so ingenious yet so simple. The key to releasing these small yet not intelligent people?

Burn them, burn them all. Ha Ha Ha ha Ho Ho Ho ho He He He he.

bye bye elves,
and then we sing the elf burning song

Watch the elves as they burn
Watch the skin peel from their bones
Their screams will fade in time
So burn elves, burn burn.

Oh, fire fire,burn burn burn
Santas workshop burn
Make sure missus clause is trapped
So the bitch dies a horrible painful death.

burn Santa burn.

Later,