More stuff a comming!

Back to it. Decided to re-invigorate the blog and post regularly again. Hope it goes swimmingly and is a bit better proof read than before. Pretty sure my grammar just sucked. Anyway....

So... Religion.

You're good, you go to heaven and live the good life (um, unlife?).
You're bad, you go to hell and become very unstable and constantly trip over so you keep getting new carpet burns and the old ones still haven't healed so the new ones just kind of compound on the old ones and they really hurt a lot and never stop bleeding (I have an odd vision of hell).
You're something else you go to purgatory and get really bored.

BUT...

Bible folks and the bible itself specifically states that Satan = bad. There's a few stories in that jumble of prose that have God and Satan squaring off in a battle of wits, most notably the book of Job. This story basically has Satan being all "I'ma do all this stuff to that guy Job who loves you lots and he'll stop loving you, TAKE THAT GOD!" And then God being all "Nuh-ah, Job will always love me cause he reckons I'm da shit. That's right Satan, he thinks I'm so good he doesn't even use real words when saying it."

Job's family dies, he got some gnarly diseases, lost all his money. All the while still thinking God was a top bloke. Presumably because Job was a puppy.

Anyway, my point is; If Satan is a bad guy, why is being evil and then being sent to hell such a bad thing? I'm a good guy, but lets say I wasn't and I went to hell. Wouldn't Satan be all, "Hey, guy. It's great to meet you, let's look back over your life." Then we sit down and watch a huge plasma or something with an HD-DVD of my life on it (Because HD-DVD went to hell right?). At some point I'd turn to Satan and say, "Damn! i totally killed that guy." Then we high five? If I have the same ideals as him, why would he want to torture and maim me?

Shouldn't Christians and the like be teaching that Satan is an employee of God who does the punishing?

Jimmy G.

P.S. more to come, just cause I forgot about the blog for awhile doesn't mean I'll... um... need deodorant and matches.

Tutorial 1 - Deros.. AKA - Douche bags..

After discussing with a good friend of mine how embarrassing "Deros" are to society we came up with a list of indicators to allow you to know when you have a douche bag (dero) in your grasps..

1) Wears a hat all the time - even inside..
2) Owns an old Holden Commodore..
3) Spends all their doll payments to do up the "car"..
4) Insists on having no shirt on to show off their bad tattoos..
5) Are 25 and still on the red P's..
6) Works for a trolley collection company..
7) Smokes because it's cool..
8) Walk around in packs (Of other deros) discussing the mammoth chick they had sex with last week (But she had big boobs)..
9) Drinks alcohol out of a paper bag (Classic cool) =/
10) Gets their 14 year old girlfriend to buy them things..
11) Wears a hoodie even in summer..
12) Steals red bulls from Woolies and brags about it..
13) Hasn't cut their hair in 3 years..
14) Can't read..
15) Didn't finish school..
16) Insists on mumbling every time they talk..
17) In any type of gang.. eg, The AGD (The Absolute Gay Deros) - Any Acronym (Spastics)
18) Decides not to brush their teeth because it will affect the taste of the beer they're having for breakfast..
19) Does weed constantly in their parents garage while playing Sega (Because Xbox is to expensive)..

Now if you see one of these people in the street.. Here's a few simple tips on how to deal with the situation..

1) Notify them of there dilemma - You're a fucken dero!

2) Help them by giving them tips - Get a job you fucken spastic!

3) And another tip - Brush your teeth pelican head!

4) Give them an uplifting comment - You look like a dead rat!

5) Round it up with a positive comment - Good job on not showering! You smell like a rhinoceros's sweat gland!

These are just loose ideas on what to say but if you follow that structure you're definitely moving in the right direction..
Also never hold back from slapping them in the face..
Domination..

Stay tuned for Tutorial 2..

Love Scene..

xxx

Language - Lengua- Langue - Sprache - Lingua

Language or depending on what country your from, one of the above.. Yes they all say language.. SO.. Why doesn't the world have one standard language? It´s a known fact that English is the dominant language throughout the world but definately not the most spoken.. The English speaking countries like Australia, America and England pride themselves on their English and are well aware that English allows them to travel pretty much everywhere in the world without major hassles.. However other countries whose first language is not English are forced to learn English in order to communicate with the amount of tourists that come to their country.. Even tourists whose first language isn´t English still learn it to communicate in other countries as they are aware that most people do speak English.. So instead of recieving a big mac instead of a McFlurry everytime i go to maccas around the world why not make it so everyone speaks the same fucking language.. Is it that hard? I heard romours of a global language not long ago but rumours have since died.. The possibilities are endless with a global language and I would love it to happen.. To be able to talk to anyone in the world with ease would be an amazing step for human kind.. Throughout History the nations of the world have not always worked together but i feel that some recent events have showed that countries are beginning to understand the importance of helping each other.. I am experiencing it everyday while travelling through various countries that have all joined the EU.. The EU´s idea was just like mine.. They had a vision of conforming and one of the major ways that this occured was through currency.. Each country had a different currency which made it fucking annoying for everyone who travelled in to each country.. A standard curency makes it easier and more helpful to everyone who lives in the EU.. Not only the currency but also the option of moving around the EU with ease.. Anyone with an EU passport is able to travel in and out of countries in the EU with ease and is able to live and work in these countries.. So now i wonder if the next step is to make a language for everyone.. I think that it will happen and the EU will be the first to make the giant step in the history of the world.. Of course there will be people fighting against it but it has to, and will happen..
Anyways just a thought and a 5 minute session on what I think the world must do..
Talk soon..
Love Always..
Scene xxx

There is something wrong with the world.

While at the supermarket today, buying sealable sandwich bags (because condoms just won't do. They aren't big enough to hold my lunch at all.), I noticed a sign on one particular brand. The sign read thus: "Airport Travel Approved", and it looked a little something like this:

I had to say to myself

"James you really must lay off the LSD, especially when you shop. Remember that month all we had to eat was whipped cream and beef? Well I do and it wasn't pretty."

But then I realised, I hadn't had any LSD that day and these were legitimate words, not on a steak knife set, I could undestand that; An electric screwdriver would not be out of reach to common sense; heck, even a potato peeler might carry this kind of tag ("EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR OR HE LOSES THE TOP LAYER OF SKIN.... I MEAN IT!"), but on a packet of sandwich bags. I'll wait for that to sink in... Sandwich Bags. Bags, that hold sandwiches. A bag that has been specifically designed to carry foodstuffs, usually bags. Not designed to highjack a plane with. I have trouble thinking of any kind of crime you COULD commit with one.

I thought about it and came up with a likely scenario that would happen if you were caught with non-aport travel aproved sandwich bags, and it played out like this.

ME
Hello secrurity man, how are you?

SECURITY
Fine, sir. Open the bag, please.

I take my bag and open it the full way so as to be most helpful, cause I'm a helpful kinda guy...

SECURITY
What's this then, sir?

ME
That's my lunch, I'm going on an awfully long flight and plane food gives
me gas, and I don't want the other passenegers suffering that.

SECURITY
No, sir. The Bag. It's not airport approved. You'll have to come with me.



ME
Wha? bu? I didn't know. I thought all sandwich bags were safe.
Can't you just confiscate it and let me on?

SECURITY
Hmm, that sounds like something a terrorist would say. Take him
to Guantanamo Bay.

Later in Guantanamo Bay

DAVID HICKS
Welcome to Guantanamo Bay, where the sun always shines and the
rape is always brutal!

I know I made a joke about a potato peeler earlier, but I can see the overly sensitive airlines being worried about one, but what can I do with another sandwich bag that I can't do with this one? Does this one disolve in explosive liquid while the others carry it just fine? Are the other brands more prone to random asphyxiation? What? Please I'm genuinly worried about the kind of people who need this label.

And how did Hercules find out who to get this approval from? And before that, who thought they might need it? Was it a joke? "Hey Matt, you better make sure you get that airport approved, hahahahahaha." and was then taken way too seriously.

If we need airport approved sandwich bags then there really is something wrong with the world.

Bad movies and dandruff

So I'm a little drunk and possibly awesome. Here we go.

We watched a movie tonight called "curse of the forty niner". It was terrible. A slasher with all the slasher traits.

-Bad special effects... check

-Bad actors... check

-horrible script... check

-boobs... WHAT! NO BOOBS!

So that means the people wanted to make a serious movie with all the shit there. In my experience you watch these movies for, the gore and, the boobs (mainly to see if they're any good, and if you're fourteen to masturbate to till you discover redtube.) In this film most of the gore was off screen and when it was it was from people inexplicably bleeding from the mouth when their injuries are not located anywhere near the lungs or someother conduit to the mouth. Did I mention no boobs?

There is also a ridiculous flashback to explain to ghost/killer/thing that ends witht eh ghost/killer/thing running away and some guy saying "it's finally over." That's like if in Alien, when the guy is in the vent. Instead of the alien killing him it turns around and goes away and he says "it's finally over". The alien is still there, these people are retarded. did I mention when the flahs back starts theres a subtitle of "the place, 1951" like we couldn't assume it was the same place sometime in the past. Did I mention no boobs?

Or the horrible special effects. Not only are almost all the kills offscreen with an after effects shot, but when a woman on fire runs out of a cabin she is clearly wearing a fire resistant mask. Don't they have stuff so you don't see that, like a cream or something. Did I mention no boobs?

NO DAMN BOOBS. Seriously bad slacher movies need boobs, they're the only two redeeming qualities of that genre, sometimes four.

anywho, it was bad. except Jeff Conaway, who was awesome playing everyone. (no one will get this, 'cept maybe matt.)

go see this film, it is hilarious.

later